It's almost 2005.....

Some new year's resolutions under way, and we'll see how that goes.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. That could have something to do with the fact that it's christmas break and Heather and Kelli have gone home. I'm here all alone, well almost, Sean is here sometimes. But there is this overwhelming sense of aloneness. I wake up and I feel disjoined, like I have no purpose. I have so much to do and I have no motivation. I think that may have a lot to do with not wanting to do work because it's break...but I need to do what I've planned for myself.

I guess you could say that is one of my biggest resolutions. I need to do what I say I'm going to do. I'm tied of being the girl that has the high expectations and low results. 1) Be more accountable in my plans 2) Get a job - for money (which I need for living, and majorly for saving) and to finish my workstudy hours 3) Be so much more on the ball - with the prospect of having a job, and wanting to do well in school, I have to get my shit together.

I'm going to go now...have a lot of being alone to do...

so it's been a while since i've been here. lots is different. my life and the lives of the people around me are changing. this is vage, i know, but somethings are just for me. maybe that's only because i'm not sure how to express how i feel right now, which is becoming somewhat of a thing with me.

i burst in to tears yesterday at the sight of my own reflection.


it seems to me that i only write here when i feel depressed, or am upset. everytime is the same as the time previous...am i just this person? sad and wanting anyone, even a stranger that comes across this oddly titled site to pay attention?

I feel very limited. like nothing i do is uselful or helpful. i feel caged...

like a girl under glass.

everything is a changin'....

the idea of dropping out of school has been stopped...mainly by my friends. the idea that i won't go anywhere with this whole fashion designer dream is really starting to get to me. i want this so badly and the thought that it might not happen really scares me. what would i do if all i end up doing is working at the job i have now, because i don't really have any talent. what if i'm talented in the school arena, which i don't think i am (because of the likes of Glen, Kris, Natasha, Alex, Jun Ing (sp?), that's already 5, and only 5 will make it. we were told this the first day of school in first year), but not in the real industry? i feel like i work so hard and don't end up anywhere, except poor and tired.

i feel like i'm loosing grip of a lot of things in my life. school, my friends, my family, my drive...myself. all of these things, i thought made me the person that i am...or was. all i want to do lately is crawl into someone's lap and be held...just to feel like i'm real. like i actually exist. i feel like i'm a shadow of the person that i was...and that person that i so desperately wanted to be has vanished.

everything is different:
my want for school, my drive behind my dream, my relationships with my friends, how i make my family feel, my need for people, my desire to be successful, the clothes that i wear, the way that i act round the people that i love, the people that i love, my outward expression of myself to others, my personality....

am i different, or is it that the things around me are changing - are different?

i cannot make the distinction anymore.

part of me wants to leave and go home. the other part of me is afraid that i will loose something if i do. i need to be away from the things in this city that are harming me, but when i make that change will those things still be be here when i return, for the better, or for the worse? i feel lost, but at the same time i know what the problem is, and i know how to make evertyhing start to fall into place...but the consequences involved with that might be what wrecks me.


things have to be decided soon, i NEED them to be. but can i make them, or when i return will they be made for me?

The last time that i was here, was an angry time. i said things that i shouldn't have, but they were said. sean and i talked about it briefly and things seem to be good now. the last week that i've spent with him has made me see that no matter, how bad i think it might be, it can be so good. i've had a great time with him this week and it made me really happy, and regret the pervious post. if only the terms of his week was happier...

sean and mat have broken up. it was crazy, sean came to see me at work on a monday and told me that they broke up on the sunday. i thought that i was going to cry. i don't know why, it doesn't have anything to do with me, but his life is going to be so different now, and i was worried. Some things have happened in the days since the sunday, and its not my place to discuss sean's break up, but its not a good time.

I'm worried for him, and the situation that he's in at the moment, but he'll be okay, i know he will.

sean - I love you and i'm here, anytime you might need me.

so my reading week is offically over tomorrow, and i haven't done nearly as much as i would have liked to. Dance Dance Revolution may have something to do with that, so might hanging out with sean, but the week was exactly what i needed...nothing but a good time. i was so tired and worn down from the all nighters, and crap from school and dramas that i needed to have a good time for change. I feel on top of things now, even though i'm not as far a head as i would like to be, but when am i? My hats are due on tuesday and like everything i ever do, i tried to to do too much and now i've ended up hating both of them, but my prof loves me, so at least i'll get a good mark.

Evening wear is due in a week from thursday, and the fabric that i'm using is not taking to the school's crappy machines. I'm not even sure where to start, and no one seems to what to help me with it either. All of my profs seem to hate the concept for my dress anyways. i have this huge fear that a) i'll spend all this time, and money (over $400) on this dress and i'll end up hating it, and that b) i'll spend all this time and money and they won't let my dress be in the show, because some 14 year old girl model will fall out of it on the runway, wecking her life, sending her into a downward spiral of drugs and men, that will leave her alone, rapped in and alley with a needle in her arm, and this will all come back to my breast/nipple exposing dress. I'm sure that this is there reasoning for not wanting that "sexy" in the show. that and all the men will be so turnedon, and all the women will be offended. to all of this i say bull SHIT. sandra tullio-ponch and bernie that devil incarnet (spell?) can kiss my ass. this is fashion school, not mormon school.

now that's off my chest, i will go.

I feel so lost...like i'm not myself. this has been a reoccuring trend in this stupid thing, but its true. I had my first offical emotional break down last night, much to my unhappiness, in front of sean and mat. they can to visit me at the lab, and as they were coming up the stairs, i was coming down, in more ways than one. i had a shitty time at the sewing lad. i dropped and CD player, that i had borrowed for a girl on my floor, and it stopped working, then the tension on my sewing machine went crazy and fucked up one of the last seams that i had to do. i just had to leave, because the chunks were about to rise in my throat and i had to get the fuck out of there. and then i see them, and instead of being happy, i freak out on them and they followed me back to res. sean forgot his id at the interior design building so mat and i went up, while he went back to get it. as i walked into the elevator the very important ruler that was in my bag, snapped into 5 pieces. this being the last thing my weak state could take, i broke down and cried in the elevator, trying to hid behind my hi-art boards. and its not like mat and i were alone either, there were 3 other guys in there too. i got to my room, on the way i had pulled myself together enough that i was just pissed, but as soon as i was home, home in my little room, i started to cry, because it felt like my world had exploded, like a big bomb of poo, all over me. mat tried to make me feel better by hugging me and just really hanging on to me like i would disappear, and for a moment i was okay. then i went to wait downstairs for sean, and i started to realize that all i wanted at that moment was home. sean, penny, my parents, believe it or not, my room, my dog. i just wanted to be away from this place. sean came in and sat on my lap, and saw that i was crying, i told him about the ruler and he wanted to say that it wasn't that bad, but it was to me, and he decided that it would be better not to say it. i signed him in and we went upstairs and sat on my bed and watched Queer As Folk, because i thought that it might make me feel better, but it didn't. sean tried to fix the CD player, but its broken and can't be fixed by us. and i have to buy a new ruler, and i have no money, including the fact that now i have to buy a $200 CD player, because i'm irresponsible and stupid. and to make things worse i had a messege from my mom, so i called her back and she yelled at me about the cd play and that maybe i shouldn't have borrowed it if i couldn't take care of it, and then she started talking about my brother. i freaked out because all i wanted was someone to care about how i was feeling, not him. and that's what made me yell at my mom, causing her to say goodbye, and causing me to cry for the next hour and a half. i felt like no one cared, not my mom, not sean, not my programme. i just feel lost...and i want someone to come and find me...but it won't be who i needed it to be.

guys i need you right now. its more that just the petty freak out about the cd player and the sewing machine. please look for me...

i keep trying to figure out what i'm doing and feeling. i feel like i'm lost right now. not in the sense that i don't know what i'm doing, but in the sense that i don't know what i was doing. i feel like i'm going about things all wrong. like there are better ways.

i sick at the current moment, and given my history, i'll be sick until winter. gotta love that! i have a ton of work to do and i feel like i can't breath. 1) because i can't and 2) because there are so many things to do. i almost decided to give up on the loop clothing thing, but seeing as that would be the dumbest thing ever, i've decided to get my lazy ass into gear. i think all i need is to get my life in order and re-evaluate some very confusing things.

i feel all over the place, but the truth is that i'm standing very still. it makes sad. that was a very benow, noncolourful response, i know, but what i should have said was that i'm letting myself get caught up in my old ways, ways that make me fear i'll be who i was a few years ago. this needy, little, stupid freak that made really stupid desions and never thought though the ramifications of my actions. i worked really hard to not be her, its just easy to fall back into old habits.

wow, just proof-read and i sound like an 85 year old woman. so on to less life altering, having a quater life crisis topics...textiles. that's were i gotta be in like 5 minutes so i should go.

gotta bounce....love all

12:51...my head feels like its going to explode.

Last night was our "sex and the city" party. i've now decided that drink is something that i don't think i should ever do. maybe one, or two pretty cocktails and that's it...because whe i drink i turn into this awful person that is just embarassing. i was having supa fun, and i really think that sean was too, and then i got super possessive and stupid about things about us. i have all these stupid insecuries about our relationship and the loosesness of my state last night, i decided that it was time to talk about them. i was really annoying and the worst part of it was that mat wasn't there and sean was trapped my the drunk jessica monster. i feel so bad. we were going to go to the clothing show today, but i fear that that might not happen 1) because its kinda late now 2) he might not want to go 3) he won't pick up the phone and 4) he doesn't want to see me anymore after las night's display. I never wanted to do any of that. and then he left. it was almost like he wasn't going to say goodbye. i cried a little after that and looking back on it i probably would have even if i wasn't drunk. he means a lot to me, and i have this fear that he's still friends with my right now because he's not really close to any of his new friends. maybe that's stupid by that's what i think...

i'll try calling him again, hopefully he doesn't have call display, and isn't screening.